I seek to be diverted.

I have a US Visa interview this afternoon, and am looking for some diversion for the next 40 minutes at least.

Cannot think of anything more diverting than poking my nose into other people's business.
But my nose is valuable.

So I shall just look inwards and speak out.

I am seeing my friends go through stuff which at the core just comes across as what I have been through.
It is spooky. Like a ghost that visits again and again.

And I think, maybe it is all about middle age after all?

Approaching old age is not pleasant - for most of us.

Maybe we are just worried we shall die; without having done all that we set out to do with youthful vigour.

Maybe fanning our aspirations, to the magnitude that we have done, is something our failing bodies are not going to be able to cope with.

Maybe it is all of that. Anyway, it needs some adjustments- to accept one's finiteness.

Acknowledgement helps.

But when I say "I feel old" most of my friends jump up and down, denying it. My parents absolutely disagree.

The idea of a "struggle" is so romantic - I think people just hang on to it. For dear life.

To be in a state of violent "struggle" is ..... well..... obscene. That is the word that springs to my mind,

I am not out of sync with those who want to stick to the belief that life goes on till the very end. In fact I am happy to believe that life goes on, even beyond death.

But not in the same way it began.

I think it would be graceful to accept this reality.

And re-negotiate life's process as it were.

Mate it to the fact that the current parameters are different from what they were , and the new process must be designed to deal with rapidly changing realities of the future.

Man is a Social Animal

So said someone in Some Social studies classroom and I am sure the statement must include women too. In the olden days, "man" implied all human beings. Even in the word "man hole", I mean.

It must have been a lesson in Primary School, because after class seven we did not have Social Studies. I was studying only Science and Maths and two languages, aiming at being an engineer.

And anyway, I am too old to remember anything which was not learnt very early.

But the thing is, that this lesson, though it stays in my memory, confuses me. Rattles my head as it were.
Because I fight it.

In the growing individualistic materialist world, of which I am a willing part, this does not make sense. I did not want to be a social animal, and I enjoyed an extended anti society teenage - right on to my middle age.

And yet, I find myself getting active on facebook, blogs, discussion forums, school and college alumni groups. In fact I am spending my best time here.

I think it is just a complex issue.

Having been anti social, the internet is easy to get social on. The technology provides some control over social invasions. At least I can deal with people when I am prepared to do so, and no one is saddled with my thoughts unless he/she seeks to be so.

Also, it is much easier to eat crow in writing than in person. I don't need to do it in every conversation. I can just provide a link to this post, and say, okay, I WAS WRONG, to think I could manage on my own steam.

There IS no steam that I can call my own. The water is coming form some common source, which is being polluted by the sewage of the masses. And I am not so sure it is being recycled appropriately, because the process is electricity intensive. And most of the electricity is being used up for non essentials.

The issue of water and electricity is killing me. As no dealing with people and being social ever did and could.

The generator has been shifted, because the neighbour on one side of the generator made so much noise about it being criminal to run a noisy generator, and looked like he was feeling like a suicide bomber. The managing committee was concerned- not about the noise, but about what? The terrorist like approach? But the noise has just moved from one part of my home to another. It has not gone.

What I can see is that one can weep or frighten the others into action. Nothing else works.
But action precipitated in a crisis is not leading to real solutions any more.

We could all, individually afford to generate 750 watts that we get from the common generator. But what about the lifts? And the common water pump? Who will run them?

Some people have already purchased their own inverter sets- but then they don't live very high in the building. It is possible to use the staircase for two floors. But I have had to ask Papa to not visit us, till the generator problem is solved finally. He is a heart patient, and although he is able to climb more than the two floors to my flat, it makes me nervous, seeing him do that.

And finally the inverters will need to be recharged. So electricity will be needed at the community level.

Of course our cooperative society has some specific problems- the people here really fight more than any other I have known- but then they are the ones with more potential than ordinary people I think.

This is Patrakar Parisar. And these are the people who chose this profession because of some sense of social commitment. They have just turned out more successful than they expected. And I think they are also living under the illusion that they have done it on their own steam.

I can already see the division within the families, because of this problem. The women are getting impatient with the men.

It has been eight years, and they have seen three managing committees ostensibly "run" by men.

Not one has brought about any improvement in the situation.

The process is clearly a failure. A hierarchical model, with the common ordinary people paying tax and voting at election time is not enough. Men and women having limited well defined functions is not working either.

What would be good? No one knows, but I think if I could work on "being" a social animal, I stand a better chance than by doing things on my own steam.

Paani ki kami hai.
jaan se haath dhoiye?

Ya phir?

I am feeling happy and hopeful

Last night my prayers were answered when the society generator copped off.

The noise had been unbearable-I had not been able to watch Television for a week because I just hated any sound that I could do away with. And I am one of those who can relax by listening to loud music played at full volume when I am stressed.

Probably having that kind of sound in my ear all the time was what did it.

Too much of even a rythm that is sought, can be off putting.

I had also begun to feel rather frustrated by the apparent tolerance in people around me. They seemed to be living normal lives while I was climbing the wall. People have been saying I am over sensitive- and this was weighing on me.

But the guy who came down from a neighbouring flat really lost it. It was difficult to not feel avenged in some small way.

He said his blood pressure was rising, and it showed in the volume at which he spoke. And then he sort of embraced the generator and threatened to get violent if it was restarted. There were others, whose homes are not as close to where the generator is located. They wanted to express sympathy, and get it going somehow. So they could go home, switch on their coolers and go back to sleep.

But by then many others had joined up to say- no generator if it is so noisy.

Now the basic problem is that our old generators are in need of repair and there is no money to carry that work out. If everyone was to pay up old dues, and sit down to discuss the possibilities instead of trying to fix the blame for the not working system, there could be a real solution in sight.

For the present it is great to have refused a compromise.

We have chosen to give up now for but not given in to the hopelessness for the infinite future.

And maybe from this ability to say no to a compromised solution, shall arise the creativity to find a good way forward.

I am feeling happy and hopeful.