Medicine?

Today could be the kind of day when one should write. This could be purposeful, directed, communication.
I chose not to take medicine. Because it does not do what I expect it to.

What do I expect the medicine to do?
Make me feel better.

The best of them makes me fall asleep, and when I wake up I feel better, because I feel hopeless and I don’t seem to care. There is an acceptance of hopelessness. Because of this I feel able to detach myself from whatever is going on around me. People around me seem like specks. And this good feeling lasts as long as I can remain at this Godly vantage point.
With medicine the desire for improvement dies. I think desire itself dies.
The medicine hits me on the head as it were and makes me feel fuzzy. I loose all my drive- and the ability to drive too. A car has to be driven in traffic- but if everything around me seems insignificant, driving could be dangerous. I had better not step on those pedals thinking of the DTC bus as an insignificant object to be disregarded.

It’s good for a while, periodically. Because it gives me a pause and I can then begin my journey afresh with the slower train of thought.

However, if I breathe deeply, make it a point to feel relaxed, eat food that is light , I seem to undergo the same slowing down, complete with cramps and body ache and the rest. Only it is slower – does not effect me like being hit on the head.

The doctors warn me that the medicine is addictive. I think I should try and get addicted to relaxing, to regularity, instead of taking medicine except in an emergency.

What constitutes an emergency? When something that upsets me, or stresses me out needs to be done. Unquestionably.

I don't think I want to do many things without questioning the need for doing them.

So I suppose it can be concluded that medicines do not make me feel better. Or think better. Or be better- I mean what improvement is possible without questions?