Mulish- the beast of burden

I feel kissed by death.
It is that time of the year.
I always wanted to see the fall. And I am glad I am not on the east coast- could not have dealt with it probably.

The need to make final confessions is so strong- maybe I am afraid that if I do not then my Mokhsha might be held up somehow.

I think there is a concept of easing the last journey in Christianity, and when I don't know what that means I blame St Joseph's Convent and the discrimination they practiced against me by depriving me of Catechism.

It is as if some favour was done to the Christians. Blame it on secularist upbringing which kept me from learning about all religions- having learnt anyone in school would have helped.

That is a gap which makes me feel able with Kabir only.

I am able to laugh at all of them- and feel happily empty and dead.

But I cannot be dead just because I have been kissed by death.

I must find a way to accept that this time this season and every season I shall be just so.

And I shall not know which is the last year of my life.

I hope this explains why I am feeling crazy. It is not about menopause or being a woman. I think women's craziness has been better documented than Men's. Or rather, there is a difference in the way they have been documented. Men fight wars. Women must be custodians of life and death.

But they stand on the side line, and let the plunder and destruction go on. I am not able to fight wars, or standby.

I think this confusion of roles is what f...s me up rather.

The only consolation I have is that I would not have been if there wasn't one- f..k up.

Hahahaha