Of course it's emotional black mail

Truth at all costs, peace if possible- I think Martin Luther said that well. Because peace must follow truth.

I plead guilty to attempted suicide. I did not quite appreciate that as an Indian citizen I am legally bound to hope, and not give up ever. Wiki says the sentence for an attempt at suicide is only one year.

That barrel is on my temple again. The safety catch is off. Having put the gun to my temple, I am a criminal. I shall be tried.

Do you say I am holding it to your head? Why then it might have been easier to say you love me.

Too late to do that now.This gun is here to stay.

I am sorry too.

power hungry

श्रीनिकेत अंकल कहते हैं:

शेर वो जो जंगल का राजा
उसकी छलाँग अहा ! पूरे १८ हाथ.
शेर की कमर में उसकी शक्ति .
कमर के जोर पर शेर इतनी ऊंची छलांग मारे.

गाँव वाले शेर का हांका लगायें . तो उसकी कमर पर वार कर कमर तोड़ दें.

राजा वो जो २४ हाथ की मचान बनवाये.
शेर को पकडे, उसे साधे और अपने सिंघासन की शोभा बढवाए.

शेर की कमर पर वार किया और शेर बच गया तो उसके पास राजा को खा लेने के आलावा और चारा क्या है .

घायल है तो शेर जंगल भाग नहीं सकता . छलाँग लगा नहीं सकता कि कमर टूट गयी है.

मचान के ठीक नीचे बैठ कर कमर ठीक होने का इंतज़ार करता है.
थोडी आवाजें भी करता है. डरता है की राजा नीचे आया तो कहीं मार न डाले.

जब कमर ठीक हो जाएगी शायद शेर वापस जंगल को भाग जायेगा.

श्रीनिकेत अंकल कहते हैं की राजा वो है जो शेर को पकड़ ले, साधे और उस से अपने सिंघासन की शोभा बढ़ाये.

लेकिन शिकार की बात सुनकर ही वितृष्णा होती है .

राज्य की बात सुनकर भी .

राजा बनकर शेर को रोज खाना खिलाना होगा
शेर बनकर राजा के कहे अनुसार चलना होगा.

राज्य या भोजन के लिए इतना कुछ?

भूख ही न लगती तो शायद यह राज काज न होता.

हे भगवान

Clearly nicotine is still calling me.

I enjoyed Rama Dey's post on cockroaches. It is at
http://open.salon.com/blog/traveller1/2009/11/12/cockroaches_use_piss_to_survive


I was relieved more than anything else. I mean no one thinks of the cockroach like he is any of God's creatures.

From what I understood, it is like me, or any friend or family member- I mean seriously it is just a scavenger survivor in one- and I could admire that.

Now that I have not smoked from 7/11, I am missing the morning cigarette.

So I want to know if there is any write up which says tobacco is also like any other herb. I am looking for an argument to smoke. Rama di? Mohna cannot be counted on for this one- maybe Jes?

If it is really bad and the cockroach is just a survivor that feeds on piss, and if tobacco is really bad for humans ( provided there is no scientific counterargument presented by Jes or Rama why are we not directing all piss to around tobacco fields and let's see if the cockroach shifts there.

Publicising this cohabitation could combat the tobacco consumption?

Would people smoke if they knew the piss fed cockroach was being grown just across where this stuff in their mouth came from?

Maybe they still would- there is no accounting for tastes. I would not mind that at this moment- I can say that.

And anyway, what does the cockroach do which is bad for humans?

If it eats away stuff, then maybe we should not have too much stuff hanging around? If we give it all away, we could do with smaller spaces, and anyway most of the stuff in my home has not been used for years.

I am here for six months, and I am not longing for any of what I left back home.

Why not piss in a place that that the piss is not available for them? Like on the earth? It would be better to take that lota and walk to a distant enough place. Of course in the cities that could mean a long walk. So maybe we'd then not build concetrated?

I can see I am not going anywhere really. So let me stop.

I have quit smoking because Arjun has. That's it.

Mulish- the beast of burden

I feel kissed by death.
It is that time of the year.
I always wanted to see the fall. And I am glad I am not on the east coast- could not have dealt with it probably.

The need to make final confessions is so strong- maybe I am afraid that if I do not then my Mokhsha might be held up somehow.

I think there is a concept of easing the last journey in Christianity, and when I don't know what that means I blame St Joseph's Convent and the discrimination they practiced against me by depriving me of Catechism.

It is as if some favour was done to the Christians. Blame it on secularist upbringing which kept me from learning about all religions- having learnt anyone in school would have helped.

That is a gap which makes me feel able with Kabir only.

I am able to laugh at all of them- and feel happily empty and dead.

But I cannot be dead just because I have been kissed by death.

I must find a way to accept that this time this season and every season I shall be just so.

And I shall not know which is the last year of my life.

I hope this explains why I am feeling crazy. It is not about menopause or being a woman. I think women's craziness has been better documented than Men's. Or rather, there is a difference in the way they have been documented. Men fight wars. Women must be custodians of life and death.

But they stand on the side line, and let the plunder and destruction go on. I am not able to fight wars, or standby.

I think this confusion of roles is what f...s me up rather.

The only consolation I have is that I would not have been if there wasn't one- f..k up.

Hahahaha